J is for Brother, The Meaning of Wife, and Jumpin' Jehosaphat.

Our 26 letter alphabet has 26 letter. An argument could be made for quite a few more. While we share our alphabet with a number of different language speakers, English is particularly varied in its pronunciation of vowels. A, f'r instances, can be long, as in Jane, Mane, and Pane. Short, as in Jam, Can, and Dan. If we had two vowels for A sounds, it would seem to make some sense.

But, in the meantime, J.

J is for brother. My brother, Jeff. I'll keep this short and sweet. My brother Jeff is one of the best men I know. That's all I'm saying on that subject.

J is also for Jenny. My delicious wife. Mmmm. Tasty.

When the rules came out saying what the role of "wife" should be, Jenny kicked them into touch. I mean - have you seen what religions say Wives should be. It's fucked, man. Really stupid. At least one Christian sect and one Muslim sect says wives should follow two paces behind her husband. Jenny wants to talk. To discuss ideas, observations, thoughts. Jenny challenges. Jenny has helped me be a better person. Encouraged me to think so far outside the frigging circle that I swear she squared it. But you can't square a circle. Or so they say.

The Meaning of Wife is close to the Meaning of Life, although I don't want 42 wifes. The real meaning of life, evolutionarily speaking, is that it doesn't really have any meaning. (The Meaning of Mind is a whole 'nother thing). And the Meaning of Wife is similar. It don't exist. The meaning of love, companionship, support, friendship, intimate, guru*, and so on are what life / wife / husband is all about. I hit the jackpot.

*Yes, I know I have mixed parts of speech up. Sue me.

And J is for Jumin' Jehosophat, it's Dan. I've spent a few bitter eternities watching Dan The Weather Man on TV, thinking his name was Jim, and that I would boil him in sulphurous syllables when I got to J. I mean - he's so appalling that my finely-tuned mind refuses to acknowledge his name. However, I am now taking a deep breath, calming down, and explaining my antipathy toward J - Dan.

Let's look at him as a physical entity. I admire his footwork, and how he utilises his ambidextrous ability. His right arms waves about as they he is conducting a an eighty-strong band of drunken bagpipe-playing bonobos through "The Flight of the Bumblebee" in the key of C Flat Asia Minor D. Wonderful. And all the while his left arm appears to be doing a charade of someone making an ice-sculpture copy of the statue of David, complete with tiny penis. Well, it is cold.

In appearance, J - Dan is a good facsimile of a ferret. His face twitches and gurns as though he is smelling something particularly tasty - perhaps a Kiwi-egg flavoured wine gum? - and his sharp little incisors threaten to bite through his bottom lip.

Ah, but it's his rapid-fire delivery that I admire most. I recorded him on my phone a while ago (my phone stopped working for a week. In protest at the violation.) and here's a transcript of the first minute. I did miss his first 29 words - the first three seconds of his presentation, as he starts to work up to speed. But this is the first 60 seconds I captured.

Also - I have written precisely what I heard.

"... for that beach chip tomorrow. But just like a peach of chewing gum stuck on your shoe a stubborn low is still sitting and spinning just to the east of country still with the unstable airs still with the showers and stunder still getting still for a bit.

But as you come in close you can see a couple of lines of ah fronts off to the west will have a bit of a part in our w weather getting towards the end of the (month). But. There's stuff going on weather is stuck when you say stuck the pink arrows are wings that steer the actual lumps of c. See what's going down then there you go. A cut-off upper lower meaning that the weather is stuck. Cold and stable air and there you have spokes of energy and they're rotating giving our shower storms.

One today there for the part of the Bay o Plenty with some hay we saw that before for the cricke see them there just working through.

There's the end O. Of high pressure that's coming in and of course a cool south-east flow for some it didn't feel like it shou this time of year look at all these teens here is 18 16 for Gisborne 22 for to the far north Kaitaia warm spot for the country believe it or not with some sunshine and this bit going a bit more west ah nor-west 23 3 there for Alexandra and worn nicker."

That's 259 words in 60 seconds. When I was writing radio commercials I would allow myself 130 words tops for a 60" spot. If you get to 150 words you're unintelligible. And guess what? J-Dan is unintelligible. It's like putting a Formula One car into regular traffic and telling the driver s/he can drive according to the rules of the track. Chaos occurs.

Quotes from J writers:

James Joyce:

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.

Erica Jong:

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

Growing up female in America - what a liability! You grew up with your ears full of cosmetic ads, love songs, , advice columns, whoreoscopes, Hollywood gossip, and moral dilemmas on the level of TV soap operas. What litanies the advertisers of the good life chanted at you! What curious catechisms!

Ben Johnson: